This is from a
conversation with a friend:
“This whole marriage
thing is high maintenance. It is one person who wants all of me, really. I
talked with Anna and she was like, "Well I guess that is all you need
Rachel, someone to appreciate what you do." And it probably is true. Caid
makes me perfectly happy. Completely happy.
“I feel guilty about
not talking with you more. I am in this husband phase, and I am trying to
figure it out. I am pretty sure the honeymoon ends when my focus on him ends.
The problem is I don’t know how to do this—I used to just tell you all my
secrets as my best friend, and I can't say everything now. Now I have Caid and
Rachel secrets. I've never had any secrets I didn't tell you before. I don’t
know how to balance my time, my sharing, my life.”
Her response:
“I will wait until you're ready
to add in heart-to-hearts with girlfriends that are sort of separated from Caid,
until you are secure and solid in your heart being together and on the same
page with him that you can have your own separate
thoughts/feelings/problems/solutions without needing to filter it through an establishing
relationship first.
“I want to assure you that your phase, even if it seems to separate other friendships, is not just normal but healthy and necessary. In the Bible it was about a year right? That for the first year of marriage they didn't even work? That the dude was supposed to "cheer up his wife" or something? Just a year of getting bonded before moving on with life. (Deut. 24:5)
“I think that's about how it works. After a full year than you're ready to add in other things. And you don't have to wean yourself off - it just moves that direction. And I was scared of that idea at first - I never wanted to lose that magic and complete satisfaction. But it doesn't really die, it just sort of gets layered with contentment, with... security.
“Marriage just sort of works itself out... you'll include more people slowly and steadily and yet find a balance. Your husband IS your priority and until you two have really gotten to know each other (and more than conversations, but for example, watched and experienced each others work ethic etc... know how you tie your shoes... know exactly how he brushes his teeth... know how to inspire him, know what to do when he's depressed, know what to do when he's lazy, know what it takes to keep an open full relationship...) EVERYTHING takes a lot of time and focus. And this is when that it supposed to happen. So I not only get that you're a little busy right now, but I RESPECT that. And I'm guessing within a year you usually have gotten a pretty good grasp on marriage and sort of are ready to embrace more.”
This is a lot of what I am learning in this third month. We are moving into schedules and jobs and homework and “how does it all fit” questions. Some of the warm fuzzies have worn off and then it is about choosing to love. And love comes best/easiest through gratefulness.
“I want to assure you that your phase, even if it seems to separate other friendships, is not just normal but healthy and necessary. In the Bible it was about a year right? That for the first year of marriage they didn't even work? That the dude was supposed to "cheer up his wife" or something? Just a year of getting bonded before moving on with life. (Deut. 24:5)
“I think that's about how it works. After a full year than you're ready to add in other things. And you don't have to wean yourself off - it just moves that direction. And I was scared of that idea at first - I never wanted to lose that magic and complete satisfaction. But it doesn't really die, it just sort of gets layered with contentment, with... security.
“Marriage just sort of works itself out... you'll include more people slowly and steadily and yet find a balance. Your husband IS your priority and until you two have really gotten to know each other (and more than conversations, but for example, watched and experienced each others work ethic etc... know how you tie your shoes... know exactly how he brushes his teeth... know how to inspire him, know what to do when he's depressed, know what to do when he's lazy, know what it takes to keep an open full relationship...) EVERYTHING takes a lot of time and focus. And this is when that it supposed to happen. So I not only get that you're a little busy right now, but I RESPECT that. And I'm guessing within a year you usually have gotten a pretty good grasp on marriage and sort of are ready to embrace more.”
This is a lot of what I am learning in this third month. We are moving into schedules and jobs and homework and “how does it all fit” questions. Some of the warm fuzzies have worn off and then it is about choosing to love. And love comes best/easiest through gratefulness.
After
a tiring day of little tifts, Caid turned off the car, pulled my forehead next
to his, and started a list of “Thank yous.” It went from “Thank you for sharing
your family with me,” to “Thank you for still listening” and on. It was
beautiful.
Above-quoted friend also told me to make sure to record how I feel about marriage these months--because they set the tone--especially once kids arrive and time zooms more quickly. I feel happy. Complete. I am not so productive, but a better person for it. It is easier than I thought it would be, but more time consuming as well. He is always more layers than I first saw. I will always be wondering if I will ever stop learning him. It is a great adventure.
No comments:
Post a Comment