I felt old. I felt grumpy. I could smell everything and wanted nothing. And exhausted. So exhausted that I didn't even appreciate sleeping. And the worst part? Life just wasn't fun anymore: it was all hard work. It is really hard when you don't enjoy anything. I love people and projects and work and life...but not anymore. I just ended up laying in bed until I fell asleep.
I used to wonder about this "hormone change" people would talk about. The other day my husband said, "I miss you." As I was about to ask him why, I hadn't gone anywhere--I realized that I missed myself. I missed enjoying life. I missed my creativity and drive and if that wasn't me anymore--who the heck am I? Hormone changes are scary because it makes you question your whole identity: If I am not the same as I always used to be--then who am I?
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This past week I survived my first day since Brazil (end of October) without a nap. But it made me hope for glimpses of my second trimester, which everyone says is "almost like normal." Saturday we had a ladies missions meeting. Probably why God invented church--or at least missions--to remind us it is not all about us. I was thinking in my head how much WORK it all was when I finally got caught up in the Christmas song "The virgin sings her lulluby: the babe, the son of Mary."
I teared up. All the complaining I've been doing about being pregnant--just now realized I was pregnant around Christmas. And I am not a virgin, but since I was for 31 years, and only a non-virgin for a little over one year--I still relate. Mary was pregnant for the first time; and so am I. Silly as it sounds, I understood Christmas better in that moment, in a way I couldn't' before. And next year, holding my child, I will understand on an even deeper level. How blessed I am!
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