This month has been the most active and accomplished: we got
married two more times. http://www.rachelsnewday.blogspot.com/2014/04/pictures-from-indiana-wedding.html
and http://www.rachelsnewday.blogspot.com/2014/04/pictures-from-connecticut-wedding.html.
It was amazing, and I am overwhelmed with how loved and cared for we are. Month
six involves writing a lot of thank you cards.
We had our biggest fights and our best make-ups so far this
month.
*
He left after the fight, and I let him go. The feelings
swelled until they filled my ears and I thought I heard his steps on the stairs,
but no, not yet—not yet. It cut me, somewhere deep inside, where little me
remembers mommy and daddy fighting and the door closing behind daddy. He came
back, he always came back—I have never been abandoned. But I still believe I
can be. Maybe this will be my first—the time of no return. These things do
happen, you know. They happen all the time.
The door closes on hope. Each minute goes by timelessly,
tugging me into a picture of life without him. My hardness crumbles. My laugh
of independence fades and I am a shaking little girl curled up in a ball on a
very big bed. The sheets are cold and still around me, I am treading water in
an ocean. There is no rest. I run out of blame.
Why are you depriving me of you? Waiting for the unknown
moment of your return. He comes back—he was only clearing his head. I crumble
in his hands. I am undone. I feel ashamed of my weakness and dramatic sobs. He
pulls back my pain and holds me.
I am sorry and I forgive you and I forgive you again. He
wasn’t walking out the door, he was walking into my nightmares, released until
he returned. When did I become such a part of you? When did you become my everything?
*
Girls go on a date thinking, “Everything is a no until I say
so. I am in control.”
A guy goes on the date thinking, “Cool! Everything is a go
until she says NO.”
A lot of physical ground can be covered between a stated YES
and NO.
Most guys understand physical yes/no cues, but unless very
direct, they will quickly try again.
The girl is still thinking she hasn’t said yes, when the guy
is thinking, “But she hasn’t said no yet.”
Finally the girl gets tired of nicely saying no, and will
either give a little just to shut him up, or pop him on the head.
I asked Caid what he would have done, if I would have let
him, before we were even dating: “Oh, you are letting me ___? Why thank you!”
To which I balked at: “You do know that is what will be going on with our
daughter someday.” A hard look passed his face: “Let me get a gun.”
*
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